00:29am · a letter to life

It's almost the end of the year and I am feeling frustrated with myself more than ever. This blog is still empty. The domain was supposed to be out in June since I am planning to completely resign from this blogging world but apparently, the domain has been renewed automatically for two freaking years by the domain hosting company that I subscribed to. I don't want to continue it actually but I guess this blog still wants me to be part of it so yeah, I will try to start writing again and turn this blog alive and not dead.

Life has been pretty good despite a few times I feel like drowning. The act of appreciating and embracing the little things around me has changed me a lot. It calms the endless chaos in my entire body and keeps my sanity intact. I love staring at the blue skies more than ever now. At the same time, I will play a little search-a-rainbow game and it levels up my dopamine whenever I spot one. It makes me realize that we actually don't need much to make our happy hormones go crazy, instead, we need to be grateful and cherish whatever is in front of us. It is the greatest source of happiness and a peaceful mind. Seek no more.

I'm turning 30 real soon which is unbelievable how fast time flies. I am wondering what the future holds for me; will it be good or will it be another bad series? I know I'm not supposed to worry about it for everything has been written for us but life kinda scares me. It's full of surprises. You don't know if you will laugh your head off or cry your heart out. But yeah, que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.

I will try my best to make another update soon. I have *ahem* a good feeling about it this time. Till here then, bye! 

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I was on a four hours train journey from Yogyakarta to Surabaya when I got myself into a retrospective mode. The entire ride was a soothing one -- full of the green rice paddy field view with warm weather, not that scorching hot but cozy enough to look outside without getting my eyes hurt by the sun. I took the opportunity to let my thoughts wander around and find any topic I could write about as my caption on Instagram. Yes, it's my kinda trick to keep writing. It's not something I do as a forceful habit, but I feel like I need to do it.

So I was thinking about happiness. I used to question myself, is happiness too much to ask for? Is it damn expensive that no matter what I do I will never be able to get it? Or is it entitled to some specific people only? Gosh, only god knows how much I've cried for that damn question. I have no idea why I often feel like I don't deserve any of it, even a glimpse of it and sometimes I feel like maybe my life has been cursed. But actually, it's not. It's simply my thoughts and the way I define happiness itself. 

But hey hey the wiser me is here. I believe that happiness is flexible and can vary from person to person and even within a person's own life. What brings happiness to one person may not bring happiness to another, and what brings happiness to someone at one point in their life may not necessarily bring happiness to them at a later point. Thus why I realize that we cannot follow anyone's standard of happiness. We have to create our own based on how we feel about things and our surroundings.

Happiness is also influenced by external factors such as life circumstances, environment, and social support. For example, a person who is going through a difficult time may find it challenging to experience happiness, while someone who has a strong support system may find it easier to cultivate happiness even during challenging times. Life events, personal growth, and shifting priorities can all impact a person's happiness.

So the answer to my forever question is no, happiness is not too much to ask for. It is a fundamental human desire to want to feel happy and fulfilled in life. But we all need to learn that even little things can give us a bunch of joy. We hold the power to decide and choose what will make us happy. It may cost nothing at all or maybe an entire star in the galaxy. Learn to be grateful as well since gratitude and happiness are closely linked to each other. Once we feel enough, surely the content heart will follow. 

The Booking Process

The Waiting Game

Flying In The Sky

My Verdict

Tandem Paragliding KKB Details

What's the easiest way to steal a man's wallet?" "Knife to the throat?" asked Inej. "Gun to the back?" said Jesper. "Poison in his cup?" suggested Nina. "You're all horrible," said Matthias.

I really really love this squad. I love them so so much! They are a bunch of miserable people with powerful skills that are super effective in their own way. I know this book supposed to be dangerous but they are super duper coooool! Before I rant about all my favourite things in details, let me tell you about what this book is about. Well, it's obviously about six misfits going on a deadly heist with a promising lavish lifestyle after that. They are Kaz -- the leader, Inej the Wraith, Nina, Matthias, Jesper and Wylan. They are going to break into the most insanely dangerous prison! I never felt so nervous about reading a book before. But this one completely got my sanity lost intact. Leigh Bardugo created such an epic scene and the world set up is fantastic despite the dark and moody vibes. Don't expect a rainbow in this book cause it's full of crap and criminals and treacherous thingy, but still, there's an irresistible romance and precious moments as well.

First of all, I am so amazed about how Leigh build the Ice Court, the safety protocol, the design of the place etc. Like what and how did she get an idea to do the setting? When Kaz and his crew are planning to enter the Ice Court, I keep on wondering will they succeed? Will everyone gonna be safe? Ain't nobody gonna die? So many thoughts for it cause hell, I'm not ready to mourn for any of them. Thus why I cannot wait to turn the pages quickly. I need to know what will happen and silently wishing for their safety. I know it sounds crazy but I did that. When the time has come, when they have reached their destination, I couldn't stay still, as you know, wondering if everything's gonna be okay or vice versa. It's so intense to the point you wanna skip to the last page haha but please don't do it cause you will miss the essence of this book.

What makes this book so interesting is the characters. I'm sorry but favouritism has no place in this book. I love them equally because each one of them is so precious, yeah, despite the fact that they are of rebellious and mischievous. Be it the revengeful Kaz, or the miserable Inej, or Nina the betrayer, I still couldn't choose. But at the beginning, I am so pissed off with Matthias actually. He is such a pain the ass. He annoyingly hates Nina though it's obvious he is so all over her and him never the "adorable" one thus the reason why it hards for me to like him. But surprisingly, there's this one line in the book that automatically makes me like him. It just few minutes before that I was cursing at him lol. As for Jesper and Wylan, the banter between them makes the humorous part of this book. Wylan is such a little munchkin!! I don't know what's going on between them but Jesper always annoyed with Wylan in a cute way. Really cute way!! And honestly, I don't know Jesper is gay until I watch the book review on Youtube. Like did any of that mentioned in the book? Or did I just miss out the character's traits?

Each of the characters has a distinct background. The author has put depths into her people by doing a flashback from the past for them. It's what I appreciate the most. During their journey on the sea, I love how they talk to each other to become closer; between Kaz and Inej, between Nina and Matthias, between Jesper and Wylan. They all take the moment to reveal their deepest secret. And again for the hundred times, I really really really ship their bonding situation. Tell me how can I choose only one of them?! From hatred to accepting each other, just how lovely and precious is that?!

I know my review might be overdramatic but it's what I feel about the book. If you asked me to reread it again, I definitely will with no second thought at all. It gives you numerous feelings; nervous, melancholic, happy, angry and all that. Six of Crows supposed to be an adventurous and brutal read. But to me, the content is so much more than that. About life, love and hate, the choices that we make, the people we choose to be with us and how we're gonna deal with those that await us.

Last but not least, just to let you know, it's okay to read Six of Crows duology if you haven't read the Grishaverse trilogy. This book can stand alone and you won't be confused with the plot. I truly recommend you to read this cause it worth the hype and you will love it. You will love the book, you will love all the characters and the author as well. And I can't wait for the series to start the show on Netflix!

Borobudur Temple

Obelix Hills

Gondola Pantai Timang

Heha Ocean View & Heha Sky View

Keraton Ngayogyakarta Hadiningrat

Photo by Vladimir Vinogradov on Unsplash

So I would like to write about this garden of uncertainty. Actually, I know nothing about it, I have zero ideas about it until I befriend a stranger from Tinder and he shares the quotes below with me. 

“If you can’t do anything about it then let it go. Don’t be a prisoner to things you can’t change.”

Sadly our perkenalan was a quick one and he left after a few conversations. His quotes basically put me into curiosity mode. I read the quotes many times and wondered am I a prisoner? If I am a prisoner, what kind of crime Ive committed? Fikir punya fikir I finally got the answer. Indeed, I am a prisoner and the crime I've committed is keeping a bunch of false hope and I am unconsciously creating a garden of uncertainty in me. I am making myself a hostage and it steers me into complete chaos.

Do you know why and how it is related? It starts with an authentic hope but ends up being something toxic that infected the mind. Keeping a false hope means keeping something rotten in you. It's the easiest perumpamaan and paling mudah difahami. I tend to do it all the time. Though I know I won't be able to change anything about something, like that thing has zero possibility, I still wanna keep it in me and believe that one day it will eventually change when the fact that it cant. Dasar bengkeng sik bertempat. Sik kira lah tentang apa sekalipun, I always have it bottled up in me and end up hurting myself. Letting go is harder thus why I refused to do that.

The funny thing is, sometimes we exactly know the answer we seek but we are in complete denial, refusing to admit the truth. The more we keep the habit, the bigger the garden grows. So what's the point? I imagine myself strolling around the garden I've created, seeing all the things that hurt me everywhere like wilted roses, do you think it makes me happy? Of course not. That's why I chose to burn the entire ground and plant something better. I want something more pleasant, lively, and full of butterflies. It will be the core of my entire system as a human being and I really need a change. If I don't, it's not only the inner me but the whole me that will be wrecked.

The garden of uncertainty is something we all cannot have in life. Learn to let go of something we can't change and believe that there's more for us out there that we still haven't discovered yet. Don't waste time on something worthless. x

Photo by Sixteen Miles Out on Unsplash

Lamak gila dah sik bukak blog tok. Kamek rasa mun blog tok sebuah rumah, confirm dah jadi salah satu property yang berhantu. Life has been good lately (ada juak yang not good but i choose to be blind and deaf about it hehe). Banyak yang mok diceritakan thus why im back here. Harap idea penulisan ya sentiasa ada jak lah. Lelah juak mun mala kenak writer's block. Padahal bukan cerita rekaan tapi susahnya mok polah ayat rasa macam jawab kertas spm jak heheh.

I'm going to update about my travel journey to Jogjakarta and Surabaya, my personal growth progress, books I've finished reading, my thoughts about uncertainty and other things which i ada update the quick version on instagram, about what's going on with my life (i ada kenak scam abam pulis uolls) and everything that I could remember. Banyak juak yang mok di share dalam blog yet i don't know why i couldn't make it until here. 

I am writing this while listening to lofi playlist and its already midnight. A new day has started. Raya is just around the corner. And its already mid-april. Phew lajunya masa. I gotta fill my days with more good things, more positive things, and just everything good. Though I know its impossible to be happy and feel good all the time, but its not a crime to try my best kan. Sikkan lah mok sedih ajak. Boringnya hidup. Sik dapat polah real outdoor activities, sik apa. Kita camping online, berbasikal online, mandik sungai online and so on hahah. This year I really wanna spend more time with nature and do more outdoor activities. Tapi sik ada geng. I need a new circle but how? Ada ka yang maok kawan dengan amateur macam saya tok? What a sad question!

It's okay. I will try to figure it out myself later. Jangan jak mood introvert datang balit. Bukan main jak semangat kelak dah diajak benar alu rasa menyesal. Biasaaaa diaaa. Tapi hakikatnya seketul introvert memang macam ya. But I'm trying to change myself at least lah to ambivert. Middle range homosapiens. Till here then. x