00:29am · a letter to life

Hello 2022

Can't believe it's already 2022. Another year, another older. Terasa macam cepat jak masa berlalu. Pejam celik dah tahun baru. I have no new year resolution this year cause I never accomplished much of my new year goal's list. I am just hoping for things to get better for me; for me to be able to heal, to fix myself, to be triple stronger than before, and to have healthy mental health and a piece of tranquility for my soul. I don't know if it's too much to ask for but that's the only thing I wish for right now. I am in need of a fresh start desperately. But I am kinda in an unstable state.

2021 has been such a pretty rough episode for me. I've been crushed by life real hard. I've been crying a lot again, I had panic attacks a few times, anxiety attacks most of the time, lost in space quite some time -- it's damn exhausting. Even if I try to distract myself from it, I just can't control that crazy adrenaline rush. People might say I'm too weak, too soft against myself, but only god knows how terrible I felt whenever I face that moment, only god knows how much I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out from that kind of situation. I start self-harming myself again. I even start to release my anger and disappointment by punching the wall till my hand turned red. Pretty fucked up, isn't it?

I am now living with endless suicidal thoughts and constant fear. I no longer do my favorite things. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm simply staying alive for the sake of living. Thus it makes me question myself, why do I still want to continue this life when I no longer have things I want to do?

Nampak sik kecelaruan otak yang sangat dasyat sekali? But, despite all that, I earn a lesson for life at the same time. I only need to be more positive and stronger so I can take the lesson to the heart and build myself back again. I need to fight the demon in me. Wish me luck.

Heartless

Image by Angela Lo

I finally learned how to respect my feelings and boundaries. It has been a tough journey but now, knowing that caring about something worthless is really a waste of time and energy, I choose to completely ignore it. Some people often say that I am too sensitive and fragile and weak, so I unequip and get rid of my emphatic traits for them. I bet they have no idea how much it would affect my personality. Telling a person to be less sensitive means telling them to be heartless. The truth of excessive emotions means we all just feel a little too much and everything goes straight to our hearts. And logically, it's not our choice but it's naturally running in the vein.

Now that I am ruined and become total heartless, the feeling is quite a blessing, To turn myself into a winter cold person ain't that easy and it takes time. It's the same as when you try to move on from your ex-partner but keep on remembering your sweet moments together, or that you said you want to have a healthy lifestyle and wanting to lose some weight but still cannot throw away your bad eating habits! When you were being treated badly and someone disrespects your boundaries, stop giving them chances. You don't give them chances to appreciate you but you simply give them chances to rip your soul off. There's a fine line between patience and stupidity. Don't be stupid.

Some might argue that it's not a good thing to do. Like when they say, kalau orang berik bunga, kita berik bunga. Kalau orang berik kita taik, kita berik bunga juak. But it's just ridiculous. I'd rather give them nothing in return which is buat bodoh and distance myself. I'm being kind enough not to start a silly fight. Being heartless doesn't mean I'm turning myself into a bad person. But it means I am having enough and I no longer have the energy to deal with the toxicity or things that hurt me. x

First Dose Covid Vaccine

Image by Kristine Wook

Salam aidil adha. Due to this still-crazy pandemic, today hari raya can only be celebrated within family members. No cousins, no friends. But still feeling grateful for the small gathering and the meals! Now let's talk about my covid vaccine story cause this post is purposely created for that experience.

I am the last person in the family to get the vaccine shot and I am honestly anxious that my name is not being selected yet lol. When the AZ vaccine application was open for all Malaysian, we all tried our best to register our names. And my little sister, the first to get the vaccine is helping us out. But none of us were lucky as the application has been fully booked.

Even though we could not squeeze in our names, my siblings and my parents finally got their registration approved after a few days. So they all got their first AZ vaccine while I was still putting on the hope that I would get it. I kept on refreshing my MySejahtera and updating my profile yet nothing, no vaccine offer, no notification.

After a week or maybe two weeks, my friend told me to just walk into one of the vaccination facilities where her friend is working. She tried giving her my name for registration but unfortunately, it was fully booked too. Haih malang sungguh. Pun masih tak dapat. Then I got another text message from my friend asking for my personal details untuk diberikan kepada staff yang kerja dekat vaccination facility tu. And my stepmother also asking for my details to forward it to her friend yang ada kenalan di pusat vaksin tu jugak. I think the next day or perhaps after two days both of them asking me if I got a call for a vaccine shot or not. I jawab tak ada punnnn!

But my stepmother's friend told me to just go to the vaccination facility that she mentioned cause my name has been registered. I was quite unsure since I got no phone call from them. Nanti tak pasal-pasal kena maki dan kena halau pulak. That time I was working and baju penuh tepung sebab seharian buat kuih and I got no time for a change so terus ke pusat vaksin. Bau peluh pun bau lah ~

By the time I reached there, tak ada banyak orang pun. I just walked in and follow instructions given by anggota rela yang berkerja disana. It's finally my turn! Akhirnya penantian yang ditunggu-tunggu. I've been given a pfizer vaccine and macam biasa since my family all got their AZ, silly thoughts came playing in my head. No offend but I'm kinda scared with the side effect lol. And the funny thing is I even imagined what if we will be separate based on what vaccine we got just like those in Divergent series. Scary!

Disebabkan i sorang dapat pfizer, they are all dengki with me lol. I honestly don't care what vaccine i got and i don't understand why comparing vaccine has become a big deal. Yang penting dapat vaksin kan. I will get my second dose next week and hope that everything will be fine. Dengar cerita second dose will be quite heavy. As for the first shot, I tak demam or tak ada rasa apa-apa. Just that tangan lenguh dan penat lepas kena cucuk.

So this is how I got my covid vaccine yeay. Moga kita semua dilindungi dan dijauhi dari penyakit bahaya macam covid ni. Stay safe and take care semua! x

First Dose Kitten Vaccine

Happy Friday, everyone. My cute tenants finally get vaccinated yeay. The vet appointment supposed to be last week but since I've missed the confirmation, the time slots have been fully booked so I have to rearrange the schedule back. I'm glad they are all healthy today because being sick won't allow them to get the shots.

The process went smooth. They don't really get cranky or whatsoever. Just meowing very sadly like menagih simpati hahaha. The veterinary checked up their body temperature first before injecting them with the vaccine. Then she proceeds with the dewormer pills. Everything took less than five minutes!

They are now both three months and four months old. I adopted them a month ago and I could say I am really happy to have pets for the first time ever. Coming from a family with asthma genetic, my dad won't allow us to keep a kitty at home. Now that I am married, I'm lucky my husband didn't really argue with me bout sleeping with cats on the same bed.

I'm letting them sleep in my room tonight cause I think they are all free from fungus now. Just that their fur-shedding is quite annoying but I know I have to deal with it no matter what. Look how adorable they are! Walaupun kucing biasa, I'm still gonna take care of them with full of love! Bukan kucing mahal je kena jaga baik-baik tau. I feed them with super quality kibbles and cat treats, made them a playhouse, kalau tak sayang aku memang aku hmm... Tak dapat nak denda apa sebab terlampau comel!

I hope they will not getting sick easily after getting the vaccine. Semoga sentiasa sihat ye kucing ku. Ketahuilah bahawa ommamu sudah kering. I think I spent almost one thousand on them erk. With all the foods, the medicine (sebab Miyu the calico cat flu teruks masa I adopt dia dan I terkejut the first vet I pergi, they charge me for RM110 untuk ubat flu dan antibiotic yang kuantitinya secoet je. then I forgot to put the medicine in the fridge alahai. maka terpaksalah beli baru. so I went to this second vet tempat dorang vaksin, they give me the same ubat flu dan antibiotic with check up cuma RM60 sahaja), the medicated shampoo for fungus, the fleas medicine, the toys, the pet carrier, the litter box, the pasir berak etc, gosh, I need to work hard for my tenants --- while they renting free and keep getting hungry lol.

Btw, I would recommend this vet for Mirian. Its the nearest to me and kinda cheap. Perhaps there's another cheaper vet but jauh so I malas. I prefer this one and my tenants already got their clinic record yeay. Senang la bila dah ada panel veterinar gitu. She's kind and friendly. Now let me share the details!

Vet Clinic: J & J Animal Clinic

Address: Lot 2062, Jalan MS1/6, Marina Square 1,, Marina Parkcity, 98000 Miri, Sarawak

Whatsapp: 010-982 0661

Vaccine Price: RM60 per cat

Flu Syrup & Antibiotic: RM60 (I get mine for this price. I'm not sure if it depends on the cat sickness.)

How much did you spend on your pets? And what are their names?

Shopee Haul 01

Happy Thursday, everyone! It's my favourite cloudy day today. Gloomy yet soothing for the soul. It was raining for a while just now and with the little harsh wind crashing through the room, it makes me kinda drowsy that I have to fight between updating my blog or pull the blanket and go to sleep. I wanna share my shopping haul in this post and I think I'm gonna make this into a blog post series (read: yeah I'm gonna spend more lol) So without further ado, let's check it out.

Look how cute they are! Actually, the initial plan was to grab only one thing which is the casing for my AirPods. But I end up with the other things instead. It has become a routine to me -- I will definitely check out the entire shop to see if there are other items that I need before the check out process. Apparently, the shop has some nice phone casing that is so damn cute and irresistible! The one that I'm using right now is already torn apart around both sides so yeah, why not grab a few of those pretty munchkin, right. Jangan nak rugi postage! :P

Let's talk about the phone casing first. I pick both in black color cause I know the color won't change. I mean, I used to buy all the cutie casing like in pastel colour but it always ends up so dirty. I put my phone in my pocket during work or when I'm going out and every time I take it out, it was stained, sometimes due to the fabric colour and whatever exist there in my pocket.

The casing material is a hard silicone and it has full coverage that will protect the phone. Aku tak suka jenis yang tak tutup habis dekat bahagian atas dan bawah. Rasa macam ocd je tengok. That's why I love both the casing! And it's perfect without any flaws cacat cela etc. Naga pun naga lah. Biar nampak macam gengster yang penting wow gitu! The airpods casing is also perfect!

I am using Huawei Freebuds 3 and I thought it doesn't have a casing. Luckily ada rupanya but only available in limited choices. At first I wanna take the clear case only but when I keep on scrolling the shop, I found another cute design as well. Gosh I really love that Shiba casing so much! It's cute af. The casing fits perfectly on my airpods. Tak longgar dan tak mudah tercabut. Only that it's quite struggling to take them out back especially the clear case. But overall, everything is kawaii!

Now let's see the price and the shop's name:

Cat Phone Casing - RM5.88

Dragon Phone Casing - RM7.69

Huawei Freebuds 3 Clear Protective Case - RM4.68

Huawei Freebuds 3 Shiba Protective Case - RM10.19

Shopee Shop Name: INZone. Phone Case (https://shopee.com.my/yizhongtrade.my)

I really recommended the shop. Great service from seller and items quality is also good. Go check them out cause they have so many cute items. I will definitely repurchase from them again next time.

Monday Rave

Image by Augustine Wong

It supposed to be the last MCO for Malaysia today but sadly due to the number of cases that keeps on increasing, the government has decided to go for another two weeks mereput at home. I was waiting patiently for this day but never have I felt so disappointed with the announcement. Like what the heck, I've been staying at home, 24 hours entertaining my front-room neighbour yang sentiasa lapar and never recovered from their fungal infection, for a month, yet nothing changes? Not only me but everyone who works on a sector yang tak dibernarkan beroperasi during this MCO. Yang masih dapat kerja untunglah. Yang tak dapat kerja? Life has been quite stressful this day! I hope the government seek another solution rather than polah pkp yang sik pande habis tok. Mok pkp sampe kiamat kah apa.

We are all struggling now. Everyone is trying hard to make a living, to put foods on the table for the family, to feed and heal their pets, to pay debts whatsoever. Even yang cukup makan pun rasa macam tak cukup makan, kebingungan, apatah lagi mereka yang tak punya apa-apa. Aduhai. I pray that everyone affected by all this, including me, gonna stay strong to survive this absolute, utterly, inhuman pandemic.

To this date, I still didn't get my vaccination appointment yet. Ini baru namanya penantian satu penyiksaan. But at least both my parents have been vaccinated. To be honest, I am actually scared to get the vaccine at first but my sister was going crazy saying that the probability of me dying because of covid is rather higher than me getting the shots. Silly her. Well, I know, it's true. Oh, I am not an anti-vax, I am just that chicky-scared. Please pray for me that they will select my name soon!

How was your day? Have you got your vaccine yet?

Productive Friday

I kinda had a productive day today. I woke up around 10 am (I know it's late but who cares lol) and rush into the room opposite of mine to check on my kittens. It's actually a guest room cum store, but since no one gonna come over yet, I let the cats rent the room for the time being lol. The cage that I bought for them, although quite big, is still not enough for them. They like to play around, jumping and running like crazy. I love how their tails puffed up when they get so happy. I thought they are scared or mad at first but they are actually living their life to the fullest!

I didn't do much, just top up their foods and petting them like usual before I get ready for groceries shopping. I plan to make some okonomiyaki and get the ingredients, but a shawarma appeared on my TikTok feed as well and it looks scrumptious af so yeah, I have to grab the ingredients as well. The main purpose I decide for groceries shopping sebab nak beli sotong merah pedas. But sadly dah habis lah pulak. Puncakcak.

Done with groceries shopping, I went to a pet shop to top up the cat treats and chunk wet food for my tenants. But there's not much for a kitten so I just bought the wet food for an adult cat. I wonder if it's okay to give them that? It's my first time having a pet so I still need to learn more about do and don't for cats.

Once I arrived home, I keep all the items in their place and rush to my tenant's room. I bought a new flavour cat treat for them which is SmartHeart Creamy Cat Tuna and they fucking love it! One packet (4 sachets/sticks) cost RM8. I decided to check the price on shopee and quite surprise cause it's freaking cheaper than the one I bought. They sell it on shopee for around RM4+, damn. I'm going to borong dozens of them for my tenants!

Done with bonding session through creamy bribery, I started getting on the work. I cleaned up their litter box, sapu dan mop sekaligus. Bersih wangi dah! Sekali yang sekor ni pi carik taik dia pulak dah dalam box. Habis terkeluar semua pasir maka terpaksalah sapu lagi sekali. Nasib baik comel kalau tak aku gigit dah. Since there are so many boxes in that room, I tried to minimize it. I combined the junks from three boxes into one box. Arrange them back so the kittens can't jump on the boxes. I made them a mini playhouse so they better not disturb any other than that.

Look at them! I don't know when did Champol get so macho. Not so lady-like! Miyu is way lovely and the quiet one. They are my first pet ever and I love them so much. They are my best friend, my penghibur hati <3

A Curse So Dark And Lonely Review

A Curse So Dark And Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer. Have you ever read a book and instantly got hooked by it like crazy? This book did that to me and instead of going mad about it, I feel glad that I just find a sanctuary for my fantasy obsession.

Book Synopsis

Fall in love, break the curse.

Cursed by a powerful enchantress to repeat the autumn of his eighteenth year, Prince Rhen, the heir of Emberfall, thought he could be saved easily if a girl fell for him. But that was before he turned into a vicious beast hell-bent on destruction. Before he destroyed his castle, his family, and every last shred of hope.

Nothing has ever been easy for Harper. With her father long gone, her mother dying, and her brother constantly underestimating her because of her cerebral palsy, Harper learned to be tough enough to survive. When she tries to save a stranger on the streets of Washington, DC, she's pulled into a magical world.

Break the curse, save the kingdom.

Harper doesn't know where she is or what to believe. A prince? A curse? A monster? As she spends time with Rhen in this enchanted land, she begins to understand what's at stake. And as Rhen realizes Harper is not just another girl to charm, his hope comes flooding back. But powerful forces are standing against Emberfall . . . and it will take more than a broken curse to save Harper, Rhen, and his people from utter ruin.

A Curse So Dark And Lonely Review

Daring, enchanting and addicting! This book is a whole lot different than Disney Beauty and The Beast. A Curse So Dark And Lonely is a retelling written in a beautiful way but in much darker and venturous theme than the original; gory scene, horses, weapons, wars which excites me. I used to imagine myself riding a horse while yielding a knightly weapon like a princess in rescue. Well, this book actually gives me a better vision of my imagination. Something like a dream comes true except that it is still not happening in reality.

The world-building is amazing and I really love this Emberfall I create in my mind based on the description in the book. It's beautiful with the autumn in the background! The plot is exciting to read even though somehow I think it's too dragging. The adventurous moment happens only at the end of the book, as a few pages before you put back the book on the shelves. But it still enjoyable.

The dragging part is not something I'm gonna hate. In my own perception, the author tries to squeeze more about her characters' personality and their relationship with each other. Like putting things in depths just so you will feel more closely with these fictional people.

Harper, Prince Rhen and Grey moments are just too priceless! They have their own story with each other which leads to trust and lovey dovey between, huh, you gotta read and figure it out yourself. Brace yourself because it's melancholic yet sweet at the same time.

As for the character, I admire Harper very much. She made an amazing female protagonist; brave, fierce and persistent despite her disability, and she’s a bit reckless though. Prince Rhen is somehow a pain in the ass. While Grey is just nice and gentle. I really can't wait to read the sequel and see how the characters will evolve over time.

Rating : ★★★★★

A Day At Haneul Park, Seoul

This travelogue is rather sad and disappointing, but still worth the memories. I remember everything on that day -- the warm breeze, the sunny day, the worn-out map, the sweats that wet us from top to bottom and the thrill feelings. Sangat bernasib baik sebab hari tak hujan. Haneul Park merupakan salah satu tempat famous di Seoul dan hari sebelumnya Ajija dengan aku dah plan nak ke sana untuk photoshoot ala-ala macam dalam cerita korea. Tapi sayangnya hmm...

Keesokannya kami pun bangun awal dan bersiap sedia untuk ke destinasi yang diinginkan. Perjalanan dari Daeso ke Seoul mengambil masa selama satu jam. Bas akan berhenti dekat Gangbyeon Station (Dongseoul Bus Terminal) dan dari Gangbyeon kami guna subway (Line 6) untuk ke World Cup Station. Maka bermulalah perjalanan kami mencari dimanakah Haneul Park sebenarnya. Jalan punya jalan, kesana kemari, akhirnya sampai juga ke destinasi yang betul. We were kinda lost trying to find the right place. Nasib baik ada bawak air. World Cup Station ibarat pintu gerbang. Dalam sana ada 4 lagi park berlainan yang kami tak sempat nak lawat.

Voila. The picture says it all! Tak sangka ada surprise lain rupanya. Tangga membunuh. Ada 425 steps all the way up to Haneul Park. Jangankan 425 steps, yang tak sampai 10 steps pun dah semput macam apa. Nasib baik ada bekal air mineral. Kalau tak confirm mati dulu sebelum sempat naik atas. Penat tak boleh bawak bincang.

Nama lain untuk Haneul Park adalah Sky Park. Dulu tempat longgokan sampah tapi sekarang dah glow-up ditumbuhi lalang lalang bernama Eulalia yang cantik. View dari atas sumpah cantik. Hilang segala penat, duka dan lara.

Tapi sayangnya (sambungan dari perenggan atas sekali), lalang Eulalia cuma mekar pada musim luruh sahaja. Aku dan Ajija pulak datang pada musim bunga aka spring season maka yang ada cumalah padang jarak padang terkukur. This frustration truly feels like a betrayal. Nasib baik still worth untuk photoshoot walaupun tak ada Eulalia.

I really love it here especially the view and the fresh air. Tak pasti sungai apakah itu tapi rasanya Han River. Since there's no Eulalia, we just wandered around, menikmati suasana dan snap whatever gambar yang kami rasa cantik. Tak banyak orang jadi kami menggila sendiri.

READ THE BLOG

Book Synopsis

A Curse So Dark And Lonely Review

Rating : ★★★★★