00:29am · a letter to life

Photo by Brigitte Tohm on Unsplash

I was on a four hours train journey from Yogyakarta to Surabaya when I got myself into a retrospective mode. The entire ride was a soothing one -- full of the green rice paddy field view with warm weather, not that scorching hot but cozy enough to look outside without getting my eyes hurt by the sun. I took the opportunity to let my thoughts wander around and find any topic I could write about as my caption on Instagram. Yes, it's my kinda trick to keep writing. It's not something I do as a forceful habit, but I feel like I need to do it.

So I was thinking about happiness. I used to question myself, is happiness too much to ask for? Is it damn expensive that no matter what I do I will never be able to get it? Or is it entitled to some specific people only? Gosh, only god knows how much I've cried for that damn question. I have no idea why I often feel like I don't deserve any of it, even a glimpse of it and sometimes I feel like maybe my life has been cursed. But actually, it's not. It's simply my thoughts and the way I define happiness itself. 

But hey hey the wiser me is here. I believe that happiness is flexible and can vary from person to person and even within a person's own life. What brings happiness to one person may not bring happiness to another, and what brings happiness to someone at one point in their life may not necessarily bring happiness to them at a later point. Thus why I realize that we cannot follow anyone's standard of happiness. We have to create our own based on how we feel about things and our surroundings.

Happiness is also influenced by external factors such as life circumstances, environment, and social support. For example, a person who is going through a difficult time may find it challenging to experience happiness, while someone who has a strong support system may find it easier to cultivate happiness even during challenging times. Life events, personal growth, and shifting priorities can all impact a person's happiness.

So the answer to my forever question is no, happiness is not too much to ask for. It is a fundamental human desire to want to feel happy and fulfilled in life. But we all need to learn that even little things can give us a bunch of joy. We hold the power to decide and choose what will make us happy. It may cost nothing at all or maybe an entire star in the galaxy. Learn to be grateful as well since gratitude and happiness are closely linked to each other. Once we feel enough, surely the content heart will follow. 

Photo by Vladimir Vinogradov on Unsplash

So I would like to write about this garden of uncertainty. Actually, I know nothing about it, I have zero ideas about it until I befriend a stranger from Tinder and he shares the quotes below with me. 

“If you can’t do anything about it then let it go. Don’t be a prisoner to things you can’t change.”

Sadly our perkenalan was a quick one and he left after a few conversations. His quotes basically put me into curiosity mode. I read the quotes many times and wondered am I a prisoner? If I am a prisoner, what kind of crime Ive committed? Fikir punya fikir I finally got the answer. Indeed, I am a prisoner and the crime I've committed is keeping a bunch of false hope and I am unconsciously creating a garden of uncertainty in me. I am making myself a hostage and it steers me into complete chaos.

Do you know why and how it is related? It starts with an authentic hope but ends up being something toxic that infected the mind. Keeping a false hope means keeping something rotten in you. It's the easiest perumpamaan and paling mudah difahami. I tend to do it all the time. Though I know I won't be able to change anything about something, like that thing has zero possibility, I still wanna keep it in me and believe that one day it will eventually change when the fact that it cant. Dasar bengkeng sik bertempat. Sik kira lah tentang apa sekalipun, I always have it bottled up in me and end up hurting myself. Letting go is harder thus why I refused to do that.

The funny thing is, sometimes we exactly know the answer we seek but we are in complete denial, refusing to admit the truth. The more we keep the habit, the bigger the garden grows. So what's the point? I imagine myself strolling around the garden I've created, seeing all the things that hurt me everywhere like wilted roses, do you think it makes me happy? Of course not. That's why I chose to burn the entire ground and plant something better. I want something more pleasant, lively, and full of butterflies. It will be the core of my entire system as a human being and I really need a change. If I don't, it's not only the inner me but the whole me that will be wrecked.

The garden of uncertainty is something we all cannot have in life. Learn to let go of something we can't change and believe that there's more for us out there that we still haven't discovered yet. Don't waste time on something worthless. x

Guess what I will wear for the occasion? Perhaps a casual long coat like the one you have always seen in movies or K-Drama or maybe a summer maxidress. The ankle boot is a must cause it's my favourite footwear all the time. What we imagine for ourselves is kinda amusing and sometimes pretty much opposite to who we are in real life. And that is so fascinating. 

But what's bothering me in these daydreams is, it gives me a little instinct like there's something missing out from me and that I have to search for it. Is it the life I crave, or is it my inner self trying to signal me about don't-forget-to-find-yourself along the journey?

My friend once asked me, why do I love listening to sad songs? I never thought my music preference would be something questionable. I am pretty much aware of my music taste and didn't even realize there's something wrong with it. I know she didn't point out about it just to make me feel bad but it makes me think back, just why?

I've been listening to sad songs more often than before now. I even purposely search for it. Is it due to my current situation or is it because I was born a melancholic person? Or am I torturing myself, making my already-down mood become worst? 

Music 'bercelaru' will never get any rating from me. I won't even gonna listen to it. Bercelaru means there's too many background noise/sound kedak orang ngelepar eh. I hate that kind of song. Kpop is acceptable. And other than sad songs, slow-rock is also my favorite genre. But the song lyrics are still sad though.

I once stumbled upon this one posting on TikTok where the person mentioned that listening to sad songs is actually an act of self-abuse. I was like, oh damn. I didn't know that, really. I thought it's okay since it vibing well with my mood. I know it makes me feel more pathetic but I don't really care though. Sometimes at one point, I even force myself layan sad fandom on youtube. It's more depressing and I will cry more watching them cry lol. And once again, I thought its definitely okay immersing myself in that mood. But little did I know, it falls into the self-abuse category. 

People listen to music to get distracted and cheer themselves up. But it's vice versa for me. 

I don't get myself fixed but I let my already-torn self become worst instead.

These are the playlist that I currently put on repeat mode.

1. Xiao Zhang (I've read the lyric translation so yeah its legit to vibe with it)

2. Penjaga Hati - Ari Lasso

3. My Old Story - IU

4. Lovely by Billie Ellish

5. Bury My Heart - Peter Gundry

6. Pedih - Last Child

7. Inner Demons - Julia Brennan

8. Empty Notes - Ghostly Kisses

Comparison is bullshit. Comparison is nothing but a disease to the soul. It’s a joy killer and a traumatic stab that goes straight to the heart of a person. The comparison act is nasty and disgusting but we, humans, love it very much despite knowing that comparison brings nothing but destruction to life. I’ve been thinking about the morality of comparing myself to someone or someone comparing themselves to me, but I couldn’t find something that makes sense at all. But why do we resist doing so? Why do we do things we aren’t supposed to do?

I’ve been going through a rough journey for the past weeks. Battling my chaotic thoughts, my inner demons, and the reality. I’ve spent most of my time in bed and sleeping, barely managed on doing something cause you know, nothing interested me anymore. All I wanna do is tugging myself under the blanket, distance myself, and sleep my problems away. I hate days that go by, I don’t wanna talk nor wanting to stay in this pain-in-the-ass reality. It sucks and I honestly feel like dying. I didn’t get help but I did have a conversation with my fellow friends and getting some advice along with those positive words.

But this time it hits me differently. I keep on wondering how do some people recover so easily. How do they manage to get back on their feet in a very short time? Salute. It’s good for them but I really can’t take it when people start comparing those two types of people; one who wins quickly and the other is being labeled as loser and weak. It’s not okay and it will never be okay. My ultimate point is we are all different. We might share the same problems, but we don’t deal with them the same way. Imagine this; just because you and I lose the purse at the same time, I can’t deal with it the way you settle it down. You still have more savings in your account but all I got is those balances in the purse. You have nothing to worries since you still can afford to buy something and pay the bills but I can no longer do anything since all is gone. Your problem is fixed but mine is still waiting for the next consequences that won’t end in the blink of eyes. It’s pandemic and my work contract has been terminated. See? Even the example is suffocating enough. Just because of that unlucky purse, I have to go through into another living hell. Yet people still making a comparison.

There are actually more things people love to compare but still none of it ever make sense at all. I don’t even understand the point of doing so. Do we make comparisons just to feel better and to feel great about ourselves? There are hundred of ways to improve and making ourselves better instead of using a dirty scheme. Trust me, reflect before you start comparing. Mirror yourself, talk to yourself, go thorugh your mind before hurting someone. Cause the moment we judge and compare someone, our lives gonna be miserable as well. I keep on self-reflecting myself so I won’t make the same mistakes. But sometimes I end up repeating the habit while dragging myself down at the same time. Impossible to define and funny but it’s the fact. Comparison is truly nothing but a pain in the ass to us.