thoughts

Image by Angela Lo

I finally learned how to respect my feelings and boundaries. It has been a tough journey but now, knowing that caring about something worthless is really a waste of time and energy, I choose to completely ignore it. Some people often say that I am too sensitive and fragile and weak, so I unequip and get rid of my emphatic traits for them. I bet they have no idea how much it would affect my personality. Telling a person to be less sensitive means telling them to be heartless. The truth of excessive emotions means we all just feel a little too much and everything goes straight to our hearts. And logically, it's not our choice but it's naturally running in the vein.

Now that I am ruined and become total heartless, the feeling is quite a blessing, To turn myself into a winter cold person ain't that easy and it takes time. It's the same as when you try to move on from your ex-partner but keep on remembering your sweet moments together, or that you said you want to have a healthy lifestyle and wanting to lose some weight but still cannot throw away your bad eating habits! When you were being treated badly and someone disrespects your boundaries, stop giving them chances. You don't give them chances to appreciate you but you simply give them chances to rip your soul off. There's a fine line between patience and stupidity. Don't be stupid.

Some might argue that it's not a good thing to do. Like when they say, kalau orang berik bunga, kita berik bunga. Kalau orang berik kita taik, kita berik bunga juak. But it's just ridiculous. I'd rather give them nothing in return which is buat bodoh and distance myself. I'm being kind enough not to start a silly fight. Being heartless doesn't mean I'm turning myself into a bad person. But it means I am having enough and I no longer have the energy to deal with the toxicity or things that hurt me. x

are we being fake
So I’ve been thinking deeply about the personality of a human lately. It’s nothing too serious but just some kind of thought that occupied my head. Tak tahu kalau orang lain ada terfikir macam ni jugak but if yes, let me know your viewpoint about it.

So basically I was thinking about the two side traits of human being, which we called the bright and dark side. The yin and yang. Yang bright side of course lah the kind of character yang kita tunjuk dengan semua orang. Baik, lemah lembut, periang, rajin dan semua yang positif lah. While the dark side is the opposite. Dan character yang kita tak tunjuk depan orang. It is just between you and yourself. Dan soalannya sekarang, adakah bila kita behave differently bermaksud kita adalah seorang yang fake?

It’s obvious that perangai kita, cara kita behave berubah ikut keadaan dan orang yang kita berinteraksi. Bila dengan budak kecik we are all that penyayang. Bila dengan kawan cara percakapan kita agak kasar sikit. Bila dengan orang tua kita cakap penuh sopan. Does it means we just pretend to be nice and hiding our true colors or is it merely a reaction we give to people based on how they treat us? Ada je memang jenis kasar even dengan orang tua pun cara percakapan macam tak ada batas. Dan ada pulak orang memang dilahirkan lemah lembut even orang biadap dengan dia pun dia still converse in a decent way.

But if people accused us of being fake, does it means we have to be rude to everyone then? Does it mean we cannot conceal the bad side of us yang dianggap memburukkan diri sendiri depan orang lain? Yelah. Bila marah je menyumpah. Depan orang tua takkan nak menyumpah jugak kot? Itu cari pasal namanya. Tipu lah kalau kau cakap kau tak ada boiling point, tak ada perasaan marah tahap nirvana. Most people akan bertukar jadi hulk rasanya. But aku salute dengan orang yang sabar, yang boleh control marah dia even dah sampai tahap membuak-buak.


The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.


Kalau semua manusia ada three faces macam ni, means no one is being true to themselves in front of people. Am I right or am I right? I’m dying to know opinions from someone else. What would you say about this? Are we hiding our true colours and pretend to be nice? Can you figure out if you are more to yin or more to yang? Like how do you see yourself? To be honest, just because aku act macam singa di rumah sebab adik adik aku semua bengkeng simok dengar cakap, and that I use profanity when talking with my friends sometimes, I feel like a fake when I act decent depan orang lain. Tsk. It’s not that I feel like I am being someone else or what but it’s the way I behave. Macam mana eh nak explain. You are still you, still yourself. But you behave differently at a certain point in your life. And then you start questioning yourself, which one is your true character?

Siktauklah if orang paham ka sik apa aku bebel. But I feel the need to write this…

of sad songs

My friend once asked me, why do I love listening to sad songs? I never thought my music preference would be something questionable. I am pretty much aware of my music taste and didn't even realize there's something wrong with it. I know she didn't point out about it just to make me feel bad but it makes me think back, just why?

I've been listening to sad songs more often than before now. I even purposely search for it. Is it due to my current situation or is it because I was born a melancholic person? Or am I torturing myself, making my already-down mood become worst? 

Music 'bercelaru' will never get any rating from me. I won't even gonna listen to it. Bercelaru means there's too many background noise/sound kedak orang ngelepar eh. I hate that kind of song. Kpop is acceptable. And other than sad songs, slow-rock is also my favorite genre. But the song lyrics are still sad though.

I once stumbled upon this one posting on TikTok where the person mentioned that listening to sad songs is actually an act of self-abuse. I was like, oh damn. I didn't know that, really. I thought it's okay since it vibing well with my mood. I know it makes me feel more pathetic but I don't really care though. Sometimes at one point, I even force myself layan sad fandom on youtube. It's more depressing and I will cry more watching them cry lol. And once again, I thought its definitely okay immersing myself in that mood. But little did I know, it falls into the self-abuse category. 

People listen to music to get distracted and cheer themselves up. But it's vice versa for me. 

I don't get myself fixed but I let my already-torn self become worst instead.


These are the playlist that I currently put on repeat mode.

1. Xiao Zhang (I've read the lyric translation so yeah its legit to vibe with it)

2. Penjaga Hati - Ari Lasso

3. My Old Story - IU

4. Lovely by Billie Ellish

5. Bury My Heart - Peter Gundry

6. Pedih - Last Child

7. Inner Demons - Julia Brennan

8. Empty Notes - Ghostly Kisses

Comparison is bullshit. Comparison is nothing but a disease to the soul. It’s a joy killer and a traumatic stab that goes straight to the heart of a person. The comparison act is nasty and disgusting but we, humans, love it very much despite knowing that comparison brings nothing but destruction to life. I’ve been thinking about the morality of comparing myself to someone or someone comparing themselves to me, but I couldn’t find something that makes sense at all. But why do we resist doing so? Why do we do things we aren’t supposed to do?

I’ve been going through a rough journey for the past weeks. Battling my chaotic thoughts, my inner demons, and the reality. I’ve spent most of my time in bed and sleeping, barely managed on doing something cause you know, nothing interested me anymore. All I wanna do is tugging myself under the blanket, distance myself, and sleep my problems away. I hate days that go by, I don’t wanna talk nor wanting to stay in this pain-in-the-ass reality. It sucks and I honestly feel like dying. I didn’t get help but I did have a conversation with my fellow friends and getting some advice along with those positive words.

But this time it hits me differently. I keep on wondering how do some people recover so easily. How do they manage to get back on their feet in a very short time? Salute. It’s good for them but I really can’t take it when people start comparing those two types of people; one who wins quickly and the other is being labeled as loser and weak. It’s not okay and it will never be okay. My ultimate point is we are all different. We might share the same problems, but we don’t deal with them the same way. Imagine this; just because you and I lose the purse at the same time, I can’t deal with it the way you settle it down. You still have more savings in your account but all I got is those balances in the purse. You have nothing to worries since you still can afford to buy something and pay the bills but I can no longer do anything since all is gone. Your problem is fixed but mine is still waiting for the next consequences that won’t end in the blink of eyes. It’s pandemic and my work contract has been terminated. See? Even the example is suffocating enough. Just because of that unlucky purse, I have to go through into another living hell. Yet people still making a comparison.

There are actually more things people love to compare but still none of it ever make sense at all. I don’t even understand the point of doing so. Do we make comparisons just to feel better and to feel great about ourselves? There are hundred of ways to improve and making ourselves better instead of using a dirty scheme. Trust me, reflect before you start comparing. Mirror yourself, talk to yourself, go thorugh your mind before hurting someone. Cause the moment we judge and compare someone, our lives gonna be miserable as well. I keep on self-reflecting myself so I won’t make the same mistakes. But sometimes I end up repeating the habit while dragging myself down at the same time. Impossible to define and funny but it’s the fact. Comparison is truly nothing but a pain in the ass to us.

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Have you ever heard anyone say they are obsessed with windows? It’s amused me, really. I sort of had a funny talk with myself after discovering that I am actually obsessed with windows. Weird enough cause it’s not a common obsession but I’m definitely sure there are more people like me. 

Reading a book can magically take me anywhere without even needing to move my feet. So do the windows! But the journey is a whole lot different compare to reading. Fewer adventures, more calming and refreshing. Being an over-thinker myself, my mind never rested. It’s a never-ending mess for me. 

I figured that the moment I look outside the window, especially when taking a bath (my bathroom got a teeny tiny window as well!), my mind begins taking me to serenity. Lost into unknown nothingness while staring at the bright blue sky. 

It’s nothing much like reality but paradoxically it is. I’m staring right at what in front of me; like the sky, the roof of our neighbor’s house; the tree, the clouds, the electricity pole but my mind refused to process that view. It’s basically throwing a party mess but it surprisingly it doesn’t stress me. Strange. It feels like all the burdens untangled themselves from my brain. 

As for the sunset, I have to go to the opposite room to see those golden rays of sunshine. That room, the guest room, becomes the prettiest when it comes to sunset. Damn, I wish I can switch this master room to that guest room. Pastel skies and sunset is my addiction. Like who the fuck dislikes them? Oh, come on. Imagine having a study desk next to the window panels, listening to lo-fi music while getting bewitched by the dawn… 

I think I would never forget to be grateful every day. It’s mesmerizing enough. I learned to appreciate and being more thankful for nature’s beauty. Even though being in this world is temporary and everything in here is all deception, it’s not a reason for us to be ungrateful of the surrounding.