One Step Closer

one step closer

Image by Charlota Blunarova

Having too much on my plate thinking about life, about everything has taken a toll on my emotion and mental health. Being an overthinker myself, which I never asked to be born with that kind of behavior running in my vein, I feel really exhausted with myself. When is everything gonna be over? Is it going to stop by itself or do I have to do something about it? Yes, that is the exact moment I realized I need to start doing something, turn the table and take over myself instead of being taken off by this mess.

I had been fighting with my inner self for the past months, or even years, hurting myself physically, crying myself to sleep, forcing myself to be strong even though I'm not, yada yada yada. I don't know if my life is a curse or if I really don't deserve any happiness or something else. Daily routine has become so basic that I start to wonder why I even force myself to stay alive when everything around me is so dull and lifeless? I no longer do things I love to do and I can't even give them a try. Drowning, suffocating, alive but dead. Everything that happened left a deep scar and trauma in me and I gotta deal with it myself.

But little do I know, magic does happen! Pretty much impossible but sometimes it happens. I found a person who brings me back to life when I truly feel like dying. I was so determined to disappear from this world knowing that I have no reason to stay anymore. That person has stayed with me at my lowest point and lifted me up till I no longer bother myself with shitty things that make me sad and feel down. That person has taught me something very meaningful and useful jutsu that I can equip as my armor to protect myself. Brilliant way of thinking to create a conscious mind and realization for my stupidity at that time. Among all the people I have known in my life, that person is the only one yang understands life so deeply and it amazed me that we both are actually pretty much in the same boat.

Now that I have someone being my backbone, even though it is so unsure if it's gonna last or not (I hope it is), I am trying my best to pick myself up from the ground and make a change. I have this vision to simplify my life even more than before, to keep everything lowkey and private, to not bother myself with something invaluable, to not expose myself on social media, to not care about what people gonna say about my status, about my personal issue and so on. I wanna care less about what is thrown at me and focus more on myself. I know it's easier said than done but I am already starting this journey. And I believe every process taken has its own nature and obstacles.

One step a day keeps the trauma away. Yes, I am one step closer to healing myself. I know I might not be able to remove everything hundred percent clean since the trauma is known as something immortal, something that stays within us forever once we got it. But whenever I think about it, about what it has done to me, I really can't let it control me. Even though I still haven't found my life purpose, at least I do myself a favor. Yes, I will keep fighting for this healing process. x

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