04 June 2021

Of Comparison Habit

Comparison is bullshit. Comparison is nothing but a disease to the soul. It’s a joy killer and a traumatic stab that goes straight to the heart of a person. The comparison act is nasty and disgusting but we, humans, love it very much despite knowing that comparison brings nothing but destruction to life. I’ve been thinking about the morality of comparing myself to someone or someone comparing themselves to me, but I couldn’t find something that makes sense at all. But why do we resist doing so? Why do we do things we aren’t supposed to do?

I’ve been going through a rough journey for the past weeks. Battling my chaotic thoughts, my inner demons, and the reality. I’ve spent most of my time in bed and sleeping, barely managed on doing something cause you know, nothing interested me anymore. All I wanna do is tugging myself under the blanket, distance myself, and sleep my problems away. I hate days that go by, I don’t wanna talk nor wanting to stay in this pain-in-the-ass reality. It sucks and I honestly feel like dying. I didn’t get help but I did have a conversation with my fellow friends and getting some advice along with those positive words.

But this time it hits me differently. I keep on wondering how do some people recover so easily. How do they manage to get back on their feet in a very short time? Salute. It’s good for them but I really can’t take it when people start comparing those two types of people; one who wins quickly and the other is being labeled as loser and weak. It’s not okay and it will never be okay. My ultimate point is we are all different. We might share the same problems, but we don’t deal with them the same way. Imagine this; just because you and I lose the purse at the same time, I can’t deal with it the way you settle it down. You still have more savings in your account but all I got is those balances in the purse. You have nothing to worries since you still can afford to buy something and pay the bills but I can no longer do anything since all is gone. Your problem is fixed but mine is still waiting for the next consequences that won’t end in the blink of eyes. It’s pandemic and my work contract has been terminated. See? Even the example is suffocating enough. Just because of that unlucky purse, I have to go through into another living hell. Yet people still making a comparison.

There are actually more things people love to compare but still none of it ever make sense at all. I don’t even understand the point of doing so. Do we make comparisons just to feel better and to feel great about ourselves? There are hundred of ways to improve and making ourselves better instead of using a dirty scheme. Trust me, reflect before you start comparing. Mirror yourself, talk to yourself, go thorugh your mind before hurting someone. Cause the moment we judge and compare someone, our lives gonna be miserable as well. I keep on self-reflecting myself so I won’t make the same mistakes. But sometimes I end up repeating the habit while dragging myself down at the same time. Impossible to define and funny but it’s the fact. Comparison is truly nothing but a pain in the ass to us.

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Window Talk

Have you ever heard anyone say they are obsessed with windows? It’s amused me, really. I sort of had a funny talk with myself after discovering that I am actually obsessed with windows. Weird enough cause it’s not a common obsession but I’m definitely sure there are more people like me. 

Reading a book can magically take me anywhere without even needing to move my feet. So do the windows! But the journey is a whole lot different compare to reading. Fewer adventures, more calming and refreshing. Being an over-thinker myself, my mind never rested. It’s a never-ending mess for me. 

I figured that the moment I look outside the window, especially when taking a bath (my bathroom got a teeny tiny window as well!), my mind begins taking me to serenity. Lost into unknown nothingness while staring at the bright blue sky. 

It’s nothing much like reality but paradoxically it is. I’m staring right at what in front of me; like the sky, the roof of our neighbor’s house; the tree, the clouds, the electricity pole but my mind refused to process that view. It’s basically throwing a party mess but it surprisingly it doesn’t stress me. Strange. It feels like all the burdens untangled themselves from my brain. 

As for the sunset, I have to go to the opposite room to see those golden rays of sunshine. That room, the guest room, becomes the prettiest when it comes to sunset. Damn, I wish I can switch this master room to that guest room. Pastel skies and sunset is my addiction. Like who the fuck dislikes them? Oh, come on. Imagine having a study desk next to the window panels, listening to lo-fi music while getting bewitched by the dawn… 

I think I would never forget to be grateful every day. It’s mesmerizing enough. I learned to appreciate and being more thankful for nature’s beauty. Even though being in this world is temporary and everything in here is all deception, it’s not a reason for us to be ungrateful of the surrounding.
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