Hello 2022

2022 new year

Can't believe it's already 2022. Another year, another older. Terasa macam cepat jak masa berlalu. Pejam celik dah tahun baru. I have no new year resolution this year cause I never accomplished much of my new year goal's list. I am just hoping for things to get better for me; for me to be able to heal, to fix myself, to be triple stronger than before, and to have healthy mental health and a piece of tranquility for my soul. I don't know if it's too much to ask for but that's the only thing I wish for right now. I am in need of a fresh start desperately. But I am kinda in an unstable state.

2021 has been such a pretty rough episode for me. I've been crushed by life real hard. I've been crying a lot again, I had panic attacks a few times, anxiety attacks most of the time, lost in space quite some time -- it's damn exhausting. Even if I try to distract myself from it, I just can't control that crazy adrenaline rush. People might say I'm too weak, too soft against myself, but only god knows how terrible I felt whenever I face that moment, only god knows how much I hate myself for not being able to pull myself out from that kind of situation. I start self-harming myself again. I even start to release my anger and disappointment by punching the wall till my hand turned red. Pretty fucked up, isn't it?

I am now living with endless suicidal thoughts and constant fear. I no longer do my favorite things. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm simply staying alive for the sake of living. Thus it makes me question myself, why do I still want to continue this life when I no longer have things I want to do?

Nampak sik kecelaruan otak yang sangat dasyat sekali? But, despite all that, I earn a lesson for life at the same time. I only need to be more positive and stronger so I can take the lesson to the heart and build myself back again. I need to fight the demon in me. Wish me luck. 

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