Image by Angela Lo

I finally learned how to respect my feelings and boundaries. It has been a tough journey but now, knowing that caring about something worthless is really a waste of time and energy, I choose to completely ignore it. Some people often say that I am too sensitive and fragile and weak, so I unequip and get rid of my emphatic traits for them. I bet they have no idea how much it would affect my personality. Telling a person to be less sensitive means telling them to be heartless. The truth of excessive emotions means we all just feel a little too much and everything goes straight to our hearts. And logically, it's not our choice but it's naturally running in the vein.

Now that I am ruined and become total heartless, the feeling is quite a blessing, To turn myself into a winter cold person ain't that easy and it takes time. It's the same as when you try to move on from your ex-partner but keep on remembering your sweet moments together, or that you said you want to have a healthy lifestyle and wanting to lose some weight but still cannot throw away your bad eating habits! When you were being treated badly and someone disrespects your boundaries, stop giving them chances. You don't give them chances to appreciate you but you simply give them chances to rip your soul off. There's a fine line between patience and stupidity. Don't be stupid.

Some might argue that it's not a good thing to do. Like when they say, kalau orang berik bunga, kita berik bunga. Kalau orang berik kita taik, kita berik bunga juak. But it's just ridiculous. I'd rather give them nothing in return which is buat bodoh and distance myself. I'm being kind enough not to start a silly fight. Being heartless doesn't mean I'm turning myself into a bad person. But it means I am having enough and I no longer have the energy to deal with the toxicity or things that hurt me. x

kristine wook

Image by Kristine Wook

Salam aidil adha. Due to this still-crazy pandemic, today hari raya can only be celebrated within family members. No cousins, no friends. But still feeling grateful for the small gathering and the meals! Now let's talk about my covid vaccine story cause this post is purposely created for that experience.

I am the last person in the family to get the vaccine shot and I am honestly anxious that my name is not being selected yet lol. When the AZ vaccine application was open for all Malaysian, we all tried our best to register our names. And my little sister, the first to get the vaccine is helping us out. But none of us were lucky as the application has been fully booked.

Even though we could not squeeze in our names, my siblings and my parents finally got their registration approved after a few days. So they all got their first AZ vaccine while I was still putting on the hope that I would get it. I kept on refreshing my MySejahtera and updating my profile yet nothing, no vaccine offer, no notification.

After a week or maybe two weeks, my friend told me to just walk into one of the vaccination facilities where her friend is working. She tried giving her my name for registration but unfortunately, it was fully booked too. Haih malang sungguh. Pun masih tak dapat. Then I got another text message from my friend asking for my personal details untuk diberikan kepada staff yang kerja dekat vaccination facility tu. And my stepmother also asking for my details to forward it to her friend yang ada kenalan di pusat vaksin tu jugak. I think the next day or perhaps after two days both of them asking me if I got a call for a vaccine shot or not. I jawab tak ada punnnn! 

But my stepmother's friend told me to just go to the vaccination facility that she mentioned cause my name has been registered. I was quite unsure since I got no phone call from them. Nanti tak pasal-pasal kena maki dan kena halau pulak. That time I was working and baju penuh tepung sebab seharian buat kuih and I got no time for a change so terus ke pusat vaksin. Bau peluh pun bau lah ~

By the time I reached there, tak ada banyak orang pun. I just walked in and follow instructions given by anggota rela yang berkerja disana. It's finally my turn! Akhirnya penantian yang ditunggu-tunggu. I've been given a pfizer vaccine and macam biasa since my family all got their AZ, silly thoughts came playing in my head. No offend but I'm kinda scared with the side effect lol. And the funny thing is I even imagined what if we will be separate based on what vaccine we got just like those in Divergent series. Scary!

Disebabkan i sorang dapat pfizer, they are all dengki with me lol. I honestly don't care what vaccine i got and i don't understand why comparing vaccine has become a big deal. Yang penting dapat vaksin kan. I will get my second dose next week and hope that everything will be fine. Dengar cerita second dose will be quite heavy. As for the first shot, I tak demam or tak ada rasa apa-apa. Just that tangan lenguh dan penat lepas kena cucuk.

So this is how I got my covid vaccine yeay. Moga kita semua dilindungi dan dijauhi dari penyakit bahaya macam covid ni. Stay safe and take care semua! x

j & j animal clinic miri
Happy Friday, everyone. My cute tenants finally get vaccinated yeay. The vet appointment supposed to be last week but since I've missed the confirmation, the time slots have been fully booked so I have to rearrange the schedule back. I'm glad they are all healthy today because being sick won't allow them to get the shots. 

The process went smooth. They don't really get cranky or whatsoever. Just meowing very sadly like menagih simpati hahaha. The veterinary checked up their body temperature first before injecting them with the vaccine. Then she proceeds with the dewormer pills. Everything took less than five minutes! 

They are now both three months and four months old. I adopted them a month ago and I could say I am really happy to have pets for the first time ever. Coming from a family with asthma genetic, my dad won't allow us to keep a kitty at home. Now that I am married, I'm lucky my husband didn't really argue with me bout sleeping with cats on the same bed.

vet miri j&j animal clinic
I'm letting them sleep in my room tonight cause I think they are all free from fungus now. Just that their fur-shedding is quite annoying but I know I have to deal with it no matter what. Look how adorable they are! Walaupun kucing biasa, I'm still gonna take care of them with full of love! Bukan kucing mahal je kena jaga baik-baik tau. I feed them with super quality kibbles and cat treats, made them a playhouse, kalau tak sayang aku memang aku hmm... Tak dapat nak denda apa sebab terlampau comel!

I hope they will not getting sick easily after getting the vaccine. Semoga sentiasa sihat ye kucing ku. Ketahuilah bahawa ommamu sudah kering. I think I spent almost one thousand on them erk. With all the foods, the medicine (sebab Miyu the calico cat flu teruks masa I adopt dia dan I terkejut the first vet I pergi, they charge me for RM110 untuk ubat flu dan antibiotic yang kuantitinya secoet je. then I forgot to put the medicine in the fridge alahai. maka terpaksalah beli baru. so I went to this second vet tempat dorang vaksin, they give me the same ubat flu dan antibiotic with check up cuma RM60 sahaja), the medicated shampoo for fungus, the fleas medicine, the toys, the pet carrier, the litter box, the pasir berak etc, gosh, I need to work hard for my tenants --- while they renting free and keep getting hungry lol.

First Dose Kitten Vaccine
Btw, I would recommend this vet for Mirian. Its the nearest to me and kinda cheap. Perhaps there's another cheaper vet but jauh so I malas. I prefer this one and my tenants already got their clinic record yeay. Senang la bila dah ada panel veterinar gitu. She's kind and friendly. Now let me share the details!

Vet Clinic: J & J Animal Clinic
Address: Lot 2062, Jalan MS1/6, Marina Square 1,, Marina Parkcity, 98000 Miri, Sarawak
Whatsapp: 010-982 0661
Vaccine Price: RM60 per cat
Flu Syrup & Antibiotic: RM60 (I get mine for this price. I'm not sure if it depends on the cat sickness.)

How much did you spend on your pets? And what are their names?

Happy Thursday, everyone! It's my favourite cloudy day today. Gloomy yet soothing for the soul. It was raining for a while just now and with the little harsh wind crashing through the room, it makes me kinda drowsy that I have to fight between updating my blog or pull the blanket and go to sleep. I wanna share my shopping haul in this post and I think I'm gonna make this into a blog post series (read: yeah I'm gonna spend more lol) So without further ado, let's check it out. 

shopee haul menarik
Look how cute they are! Actually, the initial plan was to grab only one thing which is the casing for my AirPods. But I end up with the other things instead. It has become a routine to me -- I will definitely check out the entire shop to see if there are other items that I need before the check out process. Apparently, the shop has some nice phone casing that is so damn cute and irresistible! The one that I'm using right now is already torn apart around both sides so yeah, why not grab a few of those pretty munchkin, right. Jangan nak rugi postage! :P

casing untuk huawei freebuds 3
Let's talk about the phone casing first. I pick both in black color cause I know the color won't change. I mean, I used to buy all the cutie casing like in pastel colour but it always ends up so dirty. I put my phone in my pocket during work or when I'm going out and every time I take it out, it was stained, sometimes due to the fabric colour and whatever exist there in my pocket.

The casing material is a hard silicone and it has full coverage that will protect the phone. Aku tak suka jenis yang tak tutup habis dekat bahagian atas dan bawah. Rasa macam ocd je tengok. That's why I love both the casing! And it's perfect without any flaws cacat cela etc. Naga pun naga lah. Biar nampak macam gengster yang penting wow gitu! The airpods casing is also perfect!

huawei freebuds 3 casing
I am using Huawei Freebuds 3 and I thought it doesn't have a casing. Luckily ada rupanya but only available in limited choices. At first I wanna take the clear case only but when I keep on scrolling the shop, I found another cute design as well. Gosh I really love that Shiba casing so much! It's cute af. The casing fits perfectly on my airpods. Tak longgar dan tak mudah tercabut. Only that it's quite struggling to take them out back especially the clear case. But overall, everything is kawaii!

Now let's see the price and the shop's name:
Cat Phone Casing - RM5.88
Dragon Phone Casing - RM7.69
Huawei Freebuds 3 Clear Protective Case - RM4.68
Huawei Freebuds 3 Shiba Protective Case - RM10.19

Shopee Shop Name: INZone. Phone Case (https://shopee.com.my/yizhongtrade.my)

I really recommended the shop. Great service from seller and items quality is also good. Go check them out cause they have so many cute items. I will definitely repurchase from them again next time. 

monday rave
Image by Augustine Wong

It supposed to be the last MCO for Malaysia today but sadly due to the number of cases that keeps on increasing, the government has decided to go for another two weeks mereput at home. I was waiting patiently for this day but never have I felt so disappointed with the announcement. Like what the heck, I've been staying at home, 24 hours entertaining my front-room neighbour yang sentiasa lapar and never recovered from their fungal infection, for a month, yet nothing changes? Not only me but everyone who works on a sector yang tak dibernarkan beroperasi during this MCO. Yang masih dapat kerja untunglah. Yang tak dapat kerja? Life has been quite stressful this day! I hope the government seek another solution rather than polah pkp yang sik pande habis tok. Mok pkp sampe kiamat kah apa.

We are all struggling now. Everyone is trying hard to make a living, to put foods on the table for the family, to feed and heal their pets, to pay debts whatsoever. Even yang cukup makan pun rasa macam tak cukup makan, kebingungan, apatah lagi mereka yang tak punya apa-apa. Aduhai. I pray that everyone affected by all this, including me, gonna stay strong to survive this absolute, utterly, inhuman pandemic.

To this date, I still didn't get my vaccination appointment yet. Ini baru namanya penantian satu penyiksaan. But at least both my parents have been vaccinated. To be honest, I am actually scared to get the vaccine at first but my sister was going crazy saying that the probability of me dying because of covid is rather higher than me getting the shots. Silly her. Well, I know, it's true. Oh, I am not an anti-vax, I am just that chicky-scared. Please pray for me that they will select my name soon!

How was your day? Have you got your vaccine yet?


I kinda had a productive day today. I woke up around 10 am (I know it's late but who cares lol) and rush into the room opposite of mine to check on my kittens. It's actually a guest room cum store, but since no one gonna come over yet, I let the cats rent the room for the time being lol. The cage that I bought for them, although quite big, is still not enough for them. They like to play around, jumping and running like crazy. I love how their tails puffed up when they get so happy. I thought they are scared or mad at first but they are actually living their life to the fullest!

I didn't do much, just top up their foods and petting them like usual before I get ready for groceries shopping. I plan to make some okonomiyaki and get the ingredients, but a shawarma appeared on my TikTok feed as well and it looks scrumptious af so yeah, I have to grab the ingredients as well. The main purpose I decide for groceries shopping sebab nak beli sotong merah pedas. But sadly dah habis lah pulak. Puncakcak.

Done with groceries shopping, I went to a pet shop to top up the cat treats and chunk wet food for my tenants. But there's not much for a kitten so I just bought the wet food for an adult cat. I wonder if it's okay to give them that? It's my first time having a pet so I still need to learn more about do and don't for cats.

Once I arrived home, I keep all the items in their place and rush to my tenant's room. I bought a new flavour cat treat for them which is SmartHeart Creamy Cat Tuna and they fucking love it! One packet (4 sachets/sticks) cost RM8. I decided to check the price on shopee and quite surprise cause it's freaking cheaper than the one I bought. They sell it on shopee for around RM4+, damn. I'm going to borong dozens of them for my tenants!

Done with bonding session through creamy bribery, I started getting on the work. I cleaned up their litter box, sapu dan mop sekaligus. Bersih wangi dah! Sekali yang sekor ni pi carik taik dia pulak dah dalam box. Habis terkeluar semua pasir maka terpaksalah sapu lagi sekali. Nasib baik comel kalau tak aku gigit dah. Since there are so many boxes in that room, I tried to minimize it. I combined the junks from three boxes into one box. Arrange them back so the kittens can't jump on the boxes. I made them a mini playhouse so they better not disturb any other than that.


Look at them! I don't know when did Champol get so macho. Not so lady-like! Miyu is way lovely and the quiet one. They are my first pet ever and I love them so much. They are my best friend, my penghibur hati <3

a curse so dark and lonely review

A Curse So Dark And Lonely by Brigid Kemmerer. Have you ever read a book and instantly got hooked by it like crazy? This book did that to me and instead of going mad about it, I feel glad that I just find a sanctuary for my fantasy obsession.

Book Synopsis

Fall in love, break the curse.

Cursed by a powerful enchantress to repeat the autumn of his eighteenth year, Prince Rhen, the heir of Emberfall, thought he could be saved easily if a girl fell for him. But that was before he turned into a vicious beast hell-bent on destruction. Before he destroyed his castle, his family, and every last shred of hope.

Nothing has ever been easy for Harper. With her father long gone, her mother dying, and her brother constantly underestimating her because of her cerebral palsy, Harper learned to be tough enough to survive. When she tries to save a stranger on the streets of Washington, DC, she's pulled into a magical world.

Break the curse, save the kingdom.

Harper doesn't know where she is or what to believe. A prince? A curse? A monster? As she spends time with Rhen in this enchanted land, she begins to understand what's at stake. And as Rhen realizes Harper is not just another girl to charm, his hope comes flooding back. But powerful forces are standing against Emberfall . . . and it will take more than a broken curse to save Harper, Rhen, and his people from utter ruin.

A Curse So Dark And Lonely Review

Daring, enchanting and addicting! This book is a whole lot different than Disney Beauty and The Beast. A Curse So Dark And Lonely is a retelling written in a beautiful way but in much darker and venturous theme than the original; gory scene, horses, weapons, wars which excites me. I used to imagine myself riding a horse while yielding a knightly weapon like a princess in rescue. Well, this book actually gives me a better vision of my imagination. Something like a dream comes true except that it is still not happening in reality.

The world-building is amazing and I really love this Emberfall I create in my mind based on the description in the book. It's beautiful with the autumn in the background! The plot is exciting to read even though somehow I think it's too dragging. The adventurous moment happens only at the end of the book, as a few pages before you put back the book on the shelves. But it still enjoyable.

The dragging part is not something I'm gonna hate. In my own perception, the author tries to squeeze more about her characters' personality and their relationship with each other. Like putting things in depths just so you will feel more closely with these fictional people.

Harper, Prince Rhen and Grey moments are just too priceless! They have their own story with each other which leads to trust and lovey dovey between, huh, you gotta read and figure it out yourself. Brace yourself because it's melancholic yet sweet at the same time.

As for the character, I admire Harper very much. She made an amazing female protagonist; brave, fierce and persistent despite her disability, and she’s a bit reckless though. Prince Rhen is somehow a pain in the ass. While Grey is just nice and gentle. I really can't wait to read the sequel and see how the characters will evolve over time.

Rating : ★★★★★

haneul park seoul

This travelogue is rather sad and disappointing, but still worth the memories. I remember everything on that day -- the warm breeze, the sunny day, the worn-out map, the sweats that wet us from top to bottom and the thrill feelings. Sangat bernasib baik sebab hari tak hujan. Haneul Park merupakan salah satu tempat famous di Seoul dan hari sebelumnya Ajija dengan aku dah plan nak ke sana untuk photoshoot ala-ala macam dalam cerita korea. Tapi sayangnya hmm...

Keesokannya kami pun bangun awal dan bersiap sedia untuk ke destinasi yang diinginkan. Perjalanan dari Daeso ke Seoul mengambil masa selama satu jam. Bas akan berhenti dekat Gangbyeon Station (Dongseoul Bus Terminal) dan dari Gangbyeon kami guna subway (Line 6) untuk ke World Cup Station. Maka bermulalah perjalanan kami mencari dimanakah Haneul Park sebenarnya. Jalan punya jalan, kesana kemari, akhirnya sampai juga ke destinasi yang betul. We were kinda lost trying to find the right place. Nasib baik ada bawak air. World Cup Station ibarat pintu gerbang. Dalam sana ada 4 lagi park berlainan yang kami tak sempat nak lawat.

haneul park seoul

Voila. The picture says it all! Tak sangka ada surprise lain rupanya. Tangga membunuh. Ada 425 steps all the way up to Haneul Park. Jangankan 425 steps, yang tak sampai 10 steps pun dah semput macam apa. Nasib baik ada bekal air mineral. Kalau tak confirm mati dulu sebelum sempat naik atas. Penat tak boleh bawak bincang.

Nama lain untuk Haneul Park adalah Sky Park. Dulu tempat longgokan sampah tapi sekarang dah glow-up ditumbuhi lalang lalang bernama Eulalia yang cantik. View dari atas sumpah cantik. Hilang segala penat, duka dan lara. 

Tapi sayangnya (sambungan dari perenggan atas sekali), lalang Eulalia cuma mekar pada musim luruh sahaja. Aku dan Ajija pulak datang pada musim bunga aka spring season maka yang ada cumalah padang jarak padang terkukur. This frustration truly feels like a betrayal. Nasib baik still worth untuk photoshoot walaupun tak ada Eulalia.

I really love it here especially the view and the fresh air. Tak pasti sungai apakah itu tapi rasanya Han River. Since there's no Eulalia, we just wandered around, menikmati suasana dan snap whatever gambar yang kami rasa cantik. Tak banyak orang jadi kami menggila sendiri.


I present you with the first Indonesian literature that I ever purchased. But this one ain’t my first read cause I ever read other books by Hamka and I gotta I fall in love with their writing language. I mean, it is a bit different than Malay novel and I enjoy reading and acah-acah pronounce the words in their accent.

"Buku-buku yang kita baca, orang-orang yang kita dengarkan, perkumpulan yang kita ikuti, akan membentuk perangai kita hingga tega melakukan apa pun." – Bapak

Synopsis

“Nama kau Nurmas, itu nama yang indah sekali. Nur itu cahaya, mas atau emas itu logam mulia yang berharga. Aku harap, suatu saat cahaya dan kemuliaan kau akan menyatu, berkilauan.”

***

Buku ini tentang Nurmas, si anak cahaya yang memiliki petualangan masa kecil yang penuh keceriaan dan menakjubkan. Apa yang sebenarnya dilakukan oleh Nurmas hingga penduduk seluruh kampung selalu mengingat kejadian yang membuatnya resmi dipanggil si anak cahaya?

Dari puluhan buku Tere Liye, serial buku ini adalah mahkotanya.

Si Anak Cahaya Review

First of all, I have no regret buying this book. The cover got my attention the most so basically this book was chosen based on its skin. It is my first literature from Tere Liye and I gotta admit that his writing is beautiful. Nothing drives me mad except trying to understand certain words that I don’t familiar with. But that ain’t really a big deal since I can google up the meaning of the words or simply ask my Indonesian squads. Everything else is just fine.

I finish the book with a content heart! The story truly reminds me of my childhood and my best friends. Except that I am no heroic like Nurmas and my best friends and I never go to farms together. Their friendship is what I would say to-die-for cause they stick together like glue and always there for each other through thick and thin. My favourite scenes in the book are definitely when four of them do things together because I can imagine the exciting moments they had especially when they are all silly and funny. Their traits are way so similar to my best friends and I can relate to each one of them!

I love that the content of the book is load with moral values and it all starts with Nurmas. From honesty to loyalty to braveness to being grateful for little things and more. It’s what I currently need in my life right now. Not saying I’m lack of those traits but I am in need of something to knock me so I can appreciate life better. Not everyone sees the little things as something to be cherished and some only focus only the huge and grand things thus this book will make you realize that living a moderate life is also a blessing.

Impressive enough how the author trying to connect the wise point to each scene which automatically making Nurmas as the best girl in town. Yeah, it seems overrated but it has to be her since the book is about her journey. Everyone admires her and it’s hilarious when her best friends’ parents keep on saying “apa pun yang dilakukan anak gadisnya Yahid, ikuti. biar kalian bisa belajar” every single time when they want to follow whatever Nurmas is doing. They even willingly to accompany Nurmas in everything.

When it comes to family issue, I gotta say there are few parts that literally makes me shed tears. Her family bonding is strong enough that it could break a stone. The moment when her parents said she will always be the special daughter in the house despite the newborn of her little brother really touched me. Well we all know parents who only love 4 out of their 5 children. I really dont understand when someone has to be a black sheep in a family. Why cant they love their children equally?

Reading this book feels like reading 5 books at the same time. The plot is still moving on the same track but you get to experience a myriad journey with Nurmas which finally build her character up until she is deserved and entitled to be called as Si Anak Cahaya. Hilarious, meaningful and such a page turner. When I say hilarious, I really mean it. Tere really knows how to joke around and tickle his reader!

Rating: ★★★★★

I just purchased a new wallet for myself yeay. It's a mini croco-effect wallet in black colour by Charles & Keith. I've been looking for a small size wallet since I love to keep it minimal and this brand happens to have a xxs size which suits my preference. I gotta say the quality of this brand is quite nice and durable. My previous Charles & Keith purse, also I think in a xxs or maybe xs size, finally cracks up after maybe three years of using it. It's not really that bad though. I would say the condition is still 9/10 even though they are using faux leather.
mini purse charles and keith

The shipping and delivery period from Singapore - Malaysia - Miri took less than one week. I was worried it won't arrive at the address mentioned cause they shipped it via Aramex and they didn't even mention the second courier who takes over the parcel. I only receive a text message saying the parcel is out for delivery, but I have no idea where it is lol. Turn out I receive the parcel from GDex.

So this purse has six card slots, one cash compartment, one zip compartment for coins and snap button closure. I don't take much cash with me since I'd rather go cashless. As for the cards, I just put my identity card, driving license, debit card and membership card for groceries shopping. I'm not rich so yeah, one bank card is enough. But I'm planning to create a Maybank account just for a backup. 

Would that coin compartment be enough? No and no, I won't use them at all. I have a coin bag for coins and my other important-but-not-so-important cards. Also in a mini size as well. I used to love the long purse, but I'd rather sacrifice them with all kind of harta karun I bring in my handbag. Plus I don't have much to keep in it instead of filling them in with receipts like a garbage bin lol. 

Do you prefer a long purse, short purse or mini purse?

are we being fake
So I’ve been thinking deeply about the personality of a human lately. It’s nothing too serious but just some kind of thought that occupied my head. Tak tahu kalau orang lain ada terfikir macam ni jugak but if yes, let me know your viewpoint about it.

So basically I was thinking about the two side traits of human being, which we called the bright and dark side. The yin and yang. Yang bright side of course lah the kind of character yang kita tunjuk dengan semua orang. Baik, lemah lembut, periang, rajin dan semua yang positif lah. While the dark side is the opposite. Dan character yang kita tak tunjuk depan orang. It is just between you and yourself. Dan soalannya sekarang, adakah bila kita behave differently bermaksud kita adalah seorang yang fake?

It’s obvious that perangai kita, cara kita behave berubah ikut keadaan dan orang yang kita berinteraksi. Bila dengan budak kecik we are all that penyayang. Bila dengan kawan cara percakapan kita agak kasar sikit. Bila dengan orang tua kita cakap penuh sopan. Does it means we just pretend to be nice and hiding our true colors or is it merely a reaction we give to people based on how they treat us? Ada je memang jenis kasar even dengan orang tua pun cara percakapan macam tak ada batas. Dan ada pulak orang memang dilahirkan lemah lembut even orang biadap dengan dia pun dia still converse in a decent way.

But if people accused us of being fake, does it means we have to be rude to everyone then? Does it mean we cannot conceal the bad side of us yang dianggap memburukkan diri sendiri depan orang lain? Yelah. Bila marah je menyumpah. Depan orang tua takkan nak menyumpah jugak kot? Itu cari pasal namanya. Tipu lah kalau kau cakap kau tak ada boiling point, tak ada perasaan marah tahap nirvana. Most people akan bertukar jadi hulk rasanya. But aku salute dengan orang yang sabar, yang boleh control marah dia even dah sampai tahap membuak-buak.


The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are.


Kalau semua manusia ada three faces macam ni, means no one is being true to themselves in front of people. Am I right or am I right? I’m dying to know opinions from someone else. What would you say about this? Are we hiding our true colours and pretend to be nice? Can you figure out if you are more to yin or more to yang? Like how do you see yourself? To be honest, just because aku act macam singa di rumah sebab adik adik aku semua bengkeng simok dengar cakap, and that I use profanity when talking with my friends sometimes, I feel like a fake when I act decent depan orang lain. Tsk. It’s not that I feel like I am being someone else or what but it’s the way I behave. Macam mana eh nak explain. You are still you, still yourself. But you behave differently at a certain point in your life. And then you start questioning yourself, which one is your true character?

Siktauklah if orang paham ka sik apa aku bebel. But I feel the need to write this…

daydreams picturesque city
What kind of daydream excites you? Let me tell you mine. Whenever I have the chance for these wishful thoughts, I always imagined myself being in a random city. Taking a stroll through the picturesque street, visiting a vintage-theme bookstore, riding a bus around the town, buying myself a bouquet of fresh baby's breath and sunflowers, getting myself a cup of non-alcoholic mojito or just a cold latte, and perhaps ice cream from the famous gelato truck around the corner. 

Guess what I will wear for the occasion? Perhaps a casual long coat like the one you have always seen in movies or K-Drama or maybe a summer maxidress. The ankle boot is a must cause it's my favourite footwear all the time. What we imagine for ourselves is kinda amusing and sometimes pretty much opposite to who we are in real life. And that is so fascinating. 

But what's bothering me in these daydreams is, it gives me a little instinct like there's something missing out from me and that I have to search for it. Is it the life I crave, or is it my inner self trying to signal me about don't-forget-to-find-yourself along the journey?

of sad songs

My friend once asked me, why do I love listening to sad songs? I never thought my music preference would be something questionable. I am pretty much aware of my music taste and didn't even realize there's something wrong with it. I know she didn't point out about it just to make me feel bad but it makes me think back, just why?

I've been listening to sad songs more often than before now. I even purposely search for it. Is it due to my current situation or is it because I was born a melancholic person? Or am I torturing myself, making my already-down mood become worst? 

Music 'bercelaru' will never get any rating from me. I won't even gonna listen to it. Bercelaru means there's too many background noise/sound kedak orang ngelepar eh. I hate that kind of song. Kpop is acceptable. And other than sad songs, slow-rock is also my favorite genre. But the song lyrics are still sad though.

I once stumbled upon this one posting on TikTok where the person mentioned that listening to sad songs is actually an act of self-abuse. I was like, oh damn. I didn't know that, really. I thought it's okay since it vibing well with my mood. I know it makes me feel more pathetic but I don't really care though. Sometimes at one point, I even force myself layan sad fandom on youtube. It's more depressing and I will cry more watching them cry lol. And once again, I thought its definitely okay immersing myself in that mood. But little did I know, it falls into the self-abuse category. 

People listen to music to get distracted and cheer themselves up. But it's vice versa for me. 

I don't get myself fixed but I let my already-torn self become worst instead.


These are the playlist that I currently put on repeat mode.

1. Xiao Zhang (I've read the lyric translation so yeah its legit to vibe with it)

2. Penjaga Hati - Ari Lasso

3. My Old Story - IU

4. Lovely by Billie Ellish

5. Bury My Heart - Peter Gundry

6. Pedih - Last Child

7. Inner Demons - Julia Brennan

8. Empty Notes - Ghostly Kisses

Comparison is bullshit. Comparison is nothing but a disease to the soul. It’s a joy killer and a traumatic stab that goes straight to the heart of a person. The comparison act is nasty and disgusting but we, humans, love it very much despite knowing that comparison brings nothing but destruction to life. I’ve been thinking about the morality of comparing myself to someone or someone comparing themselves to me, but I couldn’t find something that makes sense at all. But why do we resist doing so? Why do we do things we aren’t supposed to do?

I’ve been going through a rough journey for the past weeks. Battling my chaotic thoughts, my inner demons, and the reality. I’ve spent most of my time in bed and sleeping, barely managed on doing something cause you know, nothing interested me anymore. All I wanna do is tugging myself under the blanket, distance myself, and sleep my problems away. I hate days that go by, I don’t wanna talk nor wanting to stay in this pain-in-the-ass reality. It sucks and I honestly feel like dying. I didn’t get help but I did have a conversation with my fellow friends and getting some advice along with those positive words.

But this time it hits me differently. I keep on wondering how do some people recover so easily. How do they manage to get back on their feet in a very short time? Salute. It’s good for them but I really can’t take it when people start comparing those two types of people; one who wins quickly and the other is being labeled as loser and weak. It’s not okay and it will never be okay. My ultimate point is we are all different. We might share the same problems, but we don’t deal with them the same way. Imagine this; just because you and I lose the purse at the same time, I can’t deal with it the way you settle it down. You still have more savings in your account but all I got is those balances in the purse. You have nothing to worries since you still can afford to buy something and pay the bills but I can no longer do anything since all is gone. Your problem is fixed but mine is still waiting for the next consequences that won’t end in the blink of eyes. It’s pandemic and my work contract has been terminated. See? Even the example is suffocating enough. Just because of that unlucky purse, I have to go through into another living hell. Yet people still making a comparison.

There are actually more things people love to compare but still none of it ever make sense at all. I don’t even understand the point of doing so. Do we make comparisons just to feel better and to feel great about ourselves? There are hundred of ways to improve and making ourselves better instead of using a dirty scheme. Trust me, reflect before you start comparing. Mirror yourself, talk to yourself, go thorugh your mind before hurting someone. Cause the moment we judge and compare someone, our lives gonna be miserable as well. I keep on self-reflecting myself so I won’t make the same mistakes. But sometimes I end up repeating the habit while dragging myself down at the same time. Impossible to define and funny but it’s the fact. Comparison is truly nothing but a pain in the ass to us.

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Have you ever heard anyone say they are obsessed with windows? It’s amused me, really. I sort of had a funny talk with myself after discovering that I am actually obsessed with windows. Weird enough cause it’s not a common obsession but I’m definitely sure there are more people like me. 

Reading a book can magically take me anywhere without even needing to move my feet. So do the windows! But the journey is a whole lot different compare to reading. Fewer adventures, more calming and refreshing. Being an over-thinker myself, my mind never rested. It’s a never-ending mess for me. 

I figured that the moment I look outside the window, especially when taking a bath (my bathroom got a teeny tiny window as well!), my mind begins taking me to serenity. Lost into unknown nothingness while staring at the bright blue sky. 

It’s nothing much like reality but paradoxically it is. I’m staring right at what in front of me; like the sky, the roof of our neighbor’s house; the tree, the clouds, the electricity pole but my mind refused to process that view. It’s basically throwing a party mess but it surprisingly it doesn’t stress me. Strange. It feels like all the burdens untangled themselves from my brain. 

As for the sunset, I have to go to the opposite room to see those golden rays of sunshine. That room, the guest room, becomes the prettiest when it comes to sunset. Damn, I wish I can switch this master room to that guest room. Pastel skies and sunset is my addiction. Like who the fuck dislikes them? Oh, come on. Imagine having a study desk next to the window panels, listening to lo-fi music while getting bewitched by the dawn… 

I think I would never forget to be grateful every day. It’s mesmerizing enough. I learned to appreciate and being more thankful for nature’s beauty. Even though being in this world is temporary and everything in here is all deception, it’s not a reason for us to be ungrateful of the surrounding.